I am feeling like a slave with my husband. It would seem strange that I would say that beings I do not work right now. I actually am without work during the summer months and work for the school system during school. He is the one who works very hard. Unfortunately I was laid off about 2 years or so ago when the economy went bad and during the course of that time my brother committed suicide. So I was not in good shape to find a job much less a customer service job, that I have experience in. I finally found a part time one working with children.
So we weren’t able to pay the bills and had to do a short sale on our condo. The realestate agent was really rude to me more than once. As soon as we signed the papers and I asked him to give me a couple of weeks to get the house in tip top showing condition, he accused me of "not wanting to sale the condo". I’m a little suspicious of this because he goes to church with my husband and I feel like maybe my husband has shared some of his feelings with this guy. And somehow this guy has influenced the way my husband has been treating me surrounding all of this. This real estate agent has also called me up 3 hours before hand and TOLD me he was going to have a showing. He didn’t ask…he told me. Then very shortly after I refused to cooperate with him, I am in my house and there’s a noise at the door…a realtor stating he was doing a showing.
But I say all this to say that I FEEL like my husband has some of this guys attitude towards me. It was like tough luck this is the realtor we have and we just need to get this done. Too bad how he’s treating you. Then my husband was all in a hurry to move out of here and get a place to rent. We found that most places want to do a credit check so we ended up renting from in my opinion are ’slum lords’. No work was done in years, the bath tub was filthy and mildewy, the kitchen sink needed to be replaced…etc. We had already signed the lease and felt locked in. But my husband talked to someone who said we should have been shown a walk through first before signing the lease. Instead of standing his ground, it seems to me (in the name of peace) my husband kissed this guys ass and offered to put in a new sink and do all the cleaning etc. I expressed my dissatisfaction with my husband several times and his response is "too bad". I just feel an underlying tone from him that he doesn’t really care how I feel.
There is a very long history, since we’ve been together actually, with him making peace with people for the sake of people at ours or my expense. I know this is his personality…but we have literally lost thousands of dallors because of it…and it cost his relationship with his brother or with me with his brother because of the way he deals with people. I can’t go under that. I can’t roll with that very well. And I’m feeling right now…like I’m not sure I can go on like this.
Anyway I feel like a slave in that I feel I am stuck having to do it the way he wants, that I’m sentenced to always have to be in this shadow of people mistreating me or disliking me and him making or keeping the peace. I also feel like a slave in that I do not have a job that will sustain me and have no choices. I also feel he wants a wife to be there for him but in a lot of ways he hasn’t and continues to not be there for me. I do not want to live the rest of my life under this relationship-keep-the-peace dynamic and living in a role where I am there just to fuck him, do the wash, clean and be his side-kick that fills up that empty space for him.
The place we looked at and rented still had the tenants in it when we looked at it, so we didn’t see all the details because it was pretty messy. And I think we forgot about all of them because we had waited 2 weeks before we decided to ask the land lord if he rented it. Due to the fact that other places were doing credit checks and this guy seemed like he would work with us (according to my husband.)
to Piglet: Isn’t he suppose to be supportive with how I feel. I asked that the realtor be taken off the case because I didn’t think the guy deserved the commission with the way he treated me… but my husband intervened and made the peace. So that makes it okay for someone to treat me badly….so shouldn’t my husband be supporting me and how I feel? And considering the history of how he’s treated me in relationship with people this isn’t just a decision that he is making. It runs deeper than just the matter of "respecting his decisions".
Let’s get this straight … in the last 2 years, you’ve lost your brother, your job, your home, your credit and your standard of living? Right about now, most people would be feeling pretty insecure and depressed. I think that maybe that has a lot more to do with why you’re feeling so defensive than what your husband is doing.
People do what they’re good at, especially in times of stress. Your husband is a peacekeeper. He probably was born that way, and honestly, having that ability is a gift! Chances are there are things you adore about your husband that are closely tied to this trait, and you wouldn’t really want to give them up for the sake of two men who truly are not worth the time you’ve spent being offended by them. Besides, life is such that had he handled those things differently, something else would have happened to feel badly about.
If you feel badly about losing your job and the condo and the credit and that … apologize for it. Tell him that you don’t blame him, you blame yourself, and you’re afraid he’s angry at you and is going to stop loving you. LET HIM REASSURE YOU.
BUT from now on, remind yourself of the good times, the good things your husband does and instead of looking for proof that he doesn’t care, look for proof that he does! It’s there. Every once in awhile, bring those things up. Let him know you’re grateful he’s fixing up your apartment too, maybe joke that your neighbors are going to be jealous. Let him feel like the hero for awhile.
You may be reading this and thinking I’m nuts, but there’s an old theory that partners reflect one another. If one is feeling loving, the other usually is too. The same is true if you’re feeling overwhelmed, overworked and unappreciated … and unfortunately, the only person you can change is you. Hopefully by making your husband feel more accepted, loved and supported, he’ll begin to treat you in that light.
Good luck, Wanda. If you feel like working more might help, there are a lot of companies hiring on the internet right now. Wahm.com message boards used to be a great place to find them. For most, all you need is internet.
July 12th, 2010 at 6:13 am
Yes, you are.
You’re married. You’re his wife. You’re supposed to be supportive of him and his decisions. You are supposed to back him up, no matter what.
References :
July 12th, 2010 at 6:28 am
you have written a very long and quite frankly informative story and only hope by writing your situation down in black and white you can see your answer staring you in the face. this is an unhealthy marriage and one that is destroying you as a person. It will take courage but you know what you must do and the sooner you leave the sooner you can start to rebuild your life. I did it …it took me 10 years but I did it and now can look myself in the mirror with my head held high…I like me! best of luck!
References :
July 12th, 2010 at 7:13 am
Let’s get this straight … in the last 2 years, you’ve lost your brother, your job, your home, your credit and your standard of living? Right about now, most people would be feeling pretty insecure and depressed. I think that maybe that has a lot more to do with why you’re feeling so defensive than what your husband is doing.
People do what they’re good at, especially in times of stress. Your husband is a peacekeeper. He probably was born that way, and honestly, having that ability is a gift! Chances are there are things you adore about your husband that are closely tied to this trait, and you wouldn’t really want to give them up for the sake of two men who truly are not worth the time you’ve spent being offended by them. Besides, life is such that had he handled those things differently, something else would have happened to feel badly about.
If you feel badly about losing your job and the condo and the credit and that … apologize for it. Tell him that you don’t blame him, you blame yourself, and you’re afraid he’s angry at you and is going to stop loving you. LET HIM REASSURE YOU.
BUT from now on, remind yourself of the good times, the good things your husband does and instead of looking for proof that he doesn’t care, look for proof that he does! It’s there. Every once in awhile, bring those things up. Let him know you’re grateful he’s fixing up your apartment too, maybe joke that your neighbors are going to be jealous. Let him feel like the hero for awhile.
You may be reading this and thinking I’m nuts, but there’s an old theory that partners reflect one another. If one is feeling loving, the other usually is too. The same is true if you’re feeling overwhelmed, overworked and unappreciated … and unfortunately, the only person you can change is you. Hopefully by making your husband feel more accepted, loved and supported, he’ll begin to treat you in that light.
Good luck, Wanda. If you feel like working more might help, there are a lot of companies hiring on the internet right now. Wahm.com message boards used to be a great place to find them. For most, all you need is internet.
References :